I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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