Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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