And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
