Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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