haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
