I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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