I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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