Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
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Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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