The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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