i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
