Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
