turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
