my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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