I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
whose ass print is on the piano?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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