I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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