My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
