Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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