I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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