How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
