In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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