yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
