we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
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Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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