I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
