I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
