I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
