Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
