I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
