My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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