How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
