I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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