It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
