I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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