I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
