Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
then he tried to convert me to islam
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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