atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
