So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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