Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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