I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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