I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
