Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
