If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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