**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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