i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
