thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Found the puke drawer
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
