he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
