He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
