Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
