My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
