i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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