What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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