you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
