How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
