If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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