I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
