I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
